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John Gets a Bath
Downstairs, the pot in the fireplace was boiling rapidly. Olivia immediately got up, changed back into her white blouse with the short, puffy sleeves, matching frilly, knee-length bloomers, blue jumper, white socks, and black Mary Jane shoes and ran downstairs to it. She removed the lid from the pot, stirred it up, and tasted it. Meanwhile the seven thugs were peeking from the top of the banister where Bartholomew had stuck his head into a hole in it. They sniffed the air, breathed in deeply, sighed, and shouted, "Ahhhhh! Soup! Hurray!" Bill, John, Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, and Max, who were not stupid enough to stick their heads through the banister, ran to the table, each one stepping on Bartholomew's back. They were arguing over the food, each one wanting to be the first. "Wait for me! I'm coming too!" Bartholomew tried to follow them, but his head was in the banister. "Ugh! I can't--I mean--" After several bumps, his head finally popped through, and he flew backwards into the wall. "Here I come!" Aching from the pain, he ran down the stairs, only to end up tumbling. He got up and quickly ran to the table and into his chair, but his chair fell backwards, and he went rolling out of it. He stood up in his chair and sat down to join the argument. Soon, all seven thugs were fighting over bread rolls and knocking Bartholomew out of his chair again. "Hey!" They were just about to bite into them when Olivia stopped them. "Ah, ah, ah! Just a minute!" Olivia called to them. The thugs stopped fighting and turned their heads to listen. "Supper's not quite ready yet," said Olivia. "You'll just have time to wash." "Wash?" Bill, Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew questioned in wonder. "Ha! I knew there was a catch to it!" John grumbled, throwing down his spoon and crossing his arms in defiance. "Why wash?" asked Fidget. "What for?" asked Old Blind Joe. "We're not going anywhere, are we?" asked Bartholomew. "It's not the New Year." said Bill, as Old Blind Joe, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew shook their heads. "Oh, perhaps you have washed." Olivia smiled. Bill pondered for a moment. "Perhaps we..." Then he remembered what Olivia meant. "Yes, perhaps we have!" "But when?" asked Olivia, crossly putting her hands on her hips. Bill kept waffling about when he and the other thugs had already washed. "When? When? You said... Ah, last week, month, ye..., why, recently!" he finally said. "Yes, recently!" said Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew. "Oh, really?" said Olivia. "Let me see your hands." Bill, Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew placed their hands and wings promptly behind their backs and backed up a bit. But John crossed his arms defiantly. "Let me see your hands!" demanded Olivia. Finally, Bill held out his filthy hands. "Why, Bill! I'm surprised!" exclaimed a shocked Olivia. Bill giggled bashfully and his hands once again. Olivia looked at Fidget. "Come on. Let's see them." Fidget held out his wings as well. "Oh, Fidget, my, my, my..." The bat blushed and hid his wings again. Then she looked at Max. "And you?" Max held out his hands, and Olivia tsked at the sight. Old Blind Joe rubbed his hands on his pants and held them out for Olivia to inspect. "Worse than I thought." Olivia said sadly. Bartholomew held out his filthy hands. "Oops!" he said, as Olivia laughed, making the sleeves of his sweater droop over his hands. Finally, Peewee Pete held out his hands. Olivia gasped at the sight of his filthy hands. "Oh! How shocking!" Peewee Pete quickly hid hands. "Goodness me! This won't do at all!" said Olivia. John looked at his hand and angrily shoved it back down. "March straight outside and wash or you're not gonna get a bite to eat!" Olivia ordered the thugs. Sadly, the thugs, other than John, looked at Bill, who nodded and led them outside the open door, whose doorknob was remarkably fixed! Naturally, Bartholomew was not looking where he was going and walked straight into the wall on the wrong side of the door, which is actually the closet for storing pots and pans. He ran out and around the door to the outside. "Sorry about that!" he called. "Humph!" said John, as he glared at the wall again. "Well, aren't you going to wash?" Olivia asked the cigar-smoking mouse. John ignored her. "What's the matter?" asked Olivia, "Cat got your tongue?" John only turned to face Olivia and stuck his tongue out at her. Then he stomped outside, only to bump into a wall. making her laugh. "Awwww, did you hurt yourself?" Olivia asked empathically. "Humph!" John pouted. And with that, he marched straight outside, slamming the door behind him. He sat on a barrel, took the cigar out of his mouth, tapped the ashes out of it, threw it on the ground, grabbed a slice of buckwheat cake, and stuck it in his mouth. "Humph! Girls!" "Courage, boys, courage," Bill told his friends. "Don't be nervous." John watched his friends approach an empty horse trough. They peered at the water nervously. Old Blind Joe stuck a finger in the water and swirled it around. "Gosh!" he said, "It's wet!" Max stuck his finger in it, too. He quickly pulled it out, shivering. "Brrrrr!" he complained, "it's cold too!" "We're not gonna do it, are we?" Fidget asked nervously. "Well," said Bill. "It would please the princess." "I'll take a chance on her!" Old Blind Joe spoke up. "Me too!" Peewee Pete, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew said in unison. "Humph," John said from on top of the barrel. "Her wiles are beginning to work! But I'm warning you, you give them an inch, they'll walk all over you!" "Don't listen to that old warthog!" Bill said indignantly. Then he turned to face Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew. "Come one now, boys!" "How hard can you scrub?" Max asked. "Will our clothes shrink?" Peewee Pete asked. "Do you get in the tub?" Old Blind Joe asked. "Do you have to wash where it doesn't show?" Fidget asked. "Now, don't get excited," Bill told them. "Here we go!" Then he began to sing. Bill: Step up to the tub Oh! T'ain't no disgrace Just pull up your sleeves And pin them in place Then, scoop up the water And rub it on your face And go, "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew picked up five separate bars of soap and began working up a lather on their hands, wings, and faces. Bill: Pick up the soap Now, don't try to bluff Work up a lather And when you got enough Get your hands full of water And you snort And you snuff And go, "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" In the meantime, the fly that bothered Peewee Pete returned by buzzing around Peewee Pete's head. Then it landed on the soap and started scrubbing. Bill: You douse and souse You rub and scrub You sputter and splash All over the tub />You may be cold and wet When you're done But you gotta admit It's good and clean fun So splash all you like />T'ain't any trick As soon as you're through You'll feel mighty slick John: Bunch of old nanny goats You make me sick Going, "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" John then spat at them. Bill then took a scrubbing floor brush and scrubbed Old Blind Joe's, Peewee Pete's, Fidget's, and Max's heads. He tried to scrub Bartholomew's head, but he ducked several times, avoiding the brush. Bill got mad and knocked Bartholomew into the trough with it. "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" he shouted underwater, kicking his legs frantically, as Bill instead brushed his rear end with the brush. Meanwhile, John was still making fun of his friends. "Ha! Next thing you know, she'll be tying your fur up in pink ribbons and smelling you up with that stuff called perfume!" Then he spat out the chewed part of the buckwheat cake. Meanwhile, the thugs went back to washing. Old Blind Joe shook like a dog to dry his fur and clothes and soaked Bill. Bartholomew hit himself in the head to get the water out of his ears. Then, he shook his head, only to cause the water to slosh around. Finally, he stuck his finger in his mouth and blew hard, making the water comes shooting out of his ears. Max couldn't see, so, he grabs the first thing he touched to dry his face off with. It happened to be Peewee Pet's vest. Fidget couldn't see either and grabbed Peewee Pete's shirt to dry off his face. This caused Peewee Pete to be lifted lift up off the ground. When Fidget and Max were done, they dropped the little mouse painfully on the ground. "A fine bunch of waterlilies you turned out to be!" John said, still sitting on top of the barrel. Bill glared at him. "I'd like to see anybody make me wash, if I didn't wanna!" "Hey!" snapped Bill. But then he calmed down a bit, cleared his throat, and motioned his friends to come. They were all gathered in a football-esque huddle. Bill whispered and pointed to John, who didn't seem to notice. Old Blind Joe looked up and slightly laughed. Bartholomew looked up, smiling at John, but Max reached up, grabbed his head, and dragged him back into the huddle. Whistling, Bill, Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, Bartholomew, and Max made their way to the barrel to surround John, who noticed that it was late. "Get him!" Bill cried. John tried to run away, but the others quickly grabbed onto his arms and legs. Now he was kicking and screaming while the other thugs carried him to the trough, while taking off his hat, vest, shoes, pants, and sweater. "Hey! Let go of me!" shouted the chubby mouse. "Get him over to the tub!" cried Bill, "Get him over to the tub!" "Let me loose, you fools! Let me loose!" shouted John (who was now naked). "Get him up on the tub!" Bill continued crying, "Get him up! Hang onto him! Get him up on the tub! The tub, the tub! Don't get excited! Don't get--" They managed to get him in, and, in the process, Bartholomew fell off of Max and rolled over with Bill. He landed with his arms around a dazed Bill's neck and looked up at him lovingly. Bill pushed the drunk mouse off of him. "Get the soap!" he commanded, as Bartholomew nodded at Bill while going to get the soap. But he tripped, got up, and quickly ran past the soap. He stopped, went back, and got it, but it slipped out of his hands ten times. "Oh! Steady, boys!" Bill said to those who were holding the tortured mouse in the water. The soap landed on Bartholomew's head and bounced off. He snuck up on it and pounced on it. That only caused it to slip out of his hands, bounce off of Peewee Pete's rear end, and go down Bartholomew's throat, nearly choking him, but it went straight down. "Did we have to use real soap?" he asked, feeling sick. Luckily, Bartholomew pretended not to notice the fact that he just swallowed an entire bar of soap and looked around for the missing soap. He couldn't find it of course. He hiccupped, and bubbles came out of his mouth. He kept looking around until he kept hiccupping bubbles again. He pat his stomach and felt the bar of soap. He kept hiccupping bubbles, feeling sicker and sicker. During all of this, Bill, Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, and Max were scrubbing John's face and laughing. Max washed his fur while Peewee Pete and Fidget held him down. Old Blind Joe scrubbed his forehead while Bill scrubbed his teeth. Bill began singing again, and the other thugs joined in. Bill: Now scrub good and hard It can't be denied But he'll look mighty cute As soon as he's dried Bill, Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, and Max: Well, it's good for the soul And it's good for the hide To go--'' John: ''"Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" Bartholomew was still hiccupping bubbles. He tried holding them in until he hiccupped so hard, sending his skyrocketing in the air. He hiccupped one last time, causing the last bubble to come out of his mouth, followed by his top hat, and pop, causing the hat to land back on his head. "Whew!" sighed the mouse, "I feel much better already." By this time, Bill, Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, and Max were tying blue ribbons in John's fur. "Ain't he sweet?" Bill smiled. Max sniffed the chubby mouse. "Smells like a petunia." he said. Old Blind Joe placed a wreath of flowers on John's head. "He sure is cute." he said. "You'll pay dearly for this!" John snarled. "Supper!" Olivia called to the thugs, banging the spoon against the cauldron. "Supper!" Bill exclaimed happily. "Food! Hurray!" Old Blind Joe, Peewee Pete, Fidget, Max, and Bartholomew cheered, as they ran back inside, dropping John into the trough. "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" John screamed underwater. When he popped his head up out of the water, he sat up and pouted. "Humph!" Category:Fan Fiction Category:Snow White Category:Snow White Fanmake Category:Snow White Parodies Category:Snow White spoofs